Day 27 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge

This is a follow up topic from yesterday’s which was write about an area in your life you would like to improve on.

Today’s topic is – Conversely write about something that is kicking ass right now.

So, what am I doing great in my life, right now? I’m living knowing who I am and understanding my worth.

I have never placed enough value on myself. I now honor myself, even when others don’t understand my thoughts and actions.

I truly believe that you become enlightened to different parts of yourself as you mature and grow. Your twenties are for discovery and learning what you like. By your fifties, you know what you like. You definitely know what you dislike. You are sure that you want to live true to yourself. You realize what makes you happy and what behaviors you will not tolerate from others.

I’m more confident to say no to things, no to people and yes to me and my feelings. Therapy has helped me become more respectful of my feelings.

Oprah always says, what do you know for sure? I know for sure that I’m much better at judging people and realizing who should be in my space.

There have been many times when I would compromise my feelings when I felt uncomfortable, hurt or disrespected.

I never wanted to upset anyone. I didn’t complain. I would accept my discomfort. That left me filled with self doubt and confusion. I would rationalize why people acted or treated me a certain way. I won’t do that to myself anymore. It’s not psychologically healthy.

My fifth decade has allowed me to finally free my mind, like that En Vogue song. At 52, I’m putting myself and my needs first. My happiness and comfort are important.

It took me a long time to come to these realizations. This may sound selfish to some. However, I’m no longer forcing relationships, situations or keeping what doesn’t give me joy in my life anymore.

I’ve won and I’ve lost. I’ve learned some things the hardest way possible. I’ve released people and negativity. I let go of unhappiness. I’m now turning the compassion I’ve extended to others, inward and loving me the way I deserve to be loved. Better days are ahead.

At one time, these are the things I sought to improve upon. I have learned many lessons. I know more will follow until the end of my days.

I feel that I am kicking ass, being true to myself. This is me. I’m living with confidence and I’m not second guessing myself anymore. I am happy with who I am and who I continue to grow into.

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Day 8- 30 Day Writing Challenge

Today’s topic was challenging for me.  I debated even blogging today.  I don’t walk around feeling, woe is me all the time. Writing means I am in touch with my feelings and should write them down. This is my reality. People don’t or won’t understand it. Most days, I’m a pillar of strength. Some days, I’m just human and want my old life back.

Share Something You Struggle With.

Living with chronic pain is my struggle and all that comes along with that.

Day after day living in distress inside your body is very difficult and often discouraging.

Not one day goes by without something aching. My largest struggle is that I never know which body parts the pain will strike that day.  Doctors will ask on a scale of 1-10, how severe is your pain? The numbers can be skewed because each body part has its own pain scale. Some days, it’s at a 50 everywhere!

With the pain, usually comes fatigue. It can get so bad, I can’t even get out of bed. I struggle to stand, sometimes feeling like I could crumple in a heap on the floor. I will wait until I can’t wait any longer to go to the bathroom. The smallest task can seem gargantuan on those days.

I have also struggled with physically feeling so much older than my actual age. I don’t look 52 in the face, but I feel like 80 years old in my body. I’m not able to do many things I used to.  I’ve lost some of my independence.

Riding a bus or train was a simple task. I haven’t done either for 5 years. I can’t shop or walk all day and explore as I’ve done in the past. I can’t make a last minute decision to go somewhere unless I have money for an Uber or car service.  I have to book trips a day or two in advance if I have appointments. I get picked up by a service and have no control if they are late picking me up or dropping me off.

I’ve definitely struggled with only getting money one time a month and making it s-t-r-e-t-c-h, in a city that is quickly being gentrified and the price of everything is on the uprise.

I’m still trying to get used to all the ways I’ve had to adapt and change my life.  I have aspirations and dreams that I’ve had to put on hold. I don’t know for how long or if they will ever come to fruition. I try to live every day with short-term, reachable goals. That way I feel I’m accomplishing something.

Struggles are a part of life and I have to believe my struggles won’t always take center stage in my life. I know some victories are coming. If I utilize my faith, the victories will be immeasurable. I can’t wait!